Dave Gahan Delta Machine era.
This is the second time in 2 weeks that I’ve had a panic attack.
I just started looking for a new job an hour ago, and the stress has already gotten to be more than I can bare.
I’ve never had a panic attack like that before.
My body has never tensed up. I’ve never felt like I was choking before.
I texted Eric because he calms me down.
Even though I feel like such a burden when I do.
I hate that my anxiety is getting worse.
I just feel like I’m never going to be good enough for any salon.
I feel like I’m always going to be a failure.
I feel like just giving up. As much as I hate where I work, the stress of finding a new job is scarier than I can comprehend.
I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I feel so trapped.
I don’t want my anxiety to get in the way, but it’s really starting to get to me,
I don’t talk about it with anyone except Eric, just because I feel like no one will believe me.
Even sometimes I feel like Eric just pushes him away.
Even when looking for a job, I kept hearing, “just kill yourself. You’re never going to be good enough for anything.”
I’m so scared.
I don’t know what to do.
So recently, I don’t know why, but I started feeling a little bit better with my body.
I feel a little less insecure.
I keep thinking it has something to do with Eric always telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body.
It doesn’t matter to me if that’s a factor or not.
But I’m starting to be okay with the way I look.
I’m willing to share this little glimpse into my private/ sexual life with you all.
Even though, I have followers that are real life friends of mine,
But there have been times, when Eric and I video chat, that I’ve gotten nude for him.
Not anything full frontal, and nothing below the belt. In the front at least.
But I remember the first time, I ever got nude for him, I started having a panic attack. Not only because that was my first time ever doing anything like that, but because I was so ashamed of the way I looked.
Ever since Eric and I exchanged pictures to one another, he tells me how beautiful I am. How much he loves my body, and how much I turn him on.
I started to realize that it’s okay to be chubby. To have a little extra.
I know that I’m healthy, even though I’m overweight.
Eric has a belly. And I love it.
His belly is so cute, and to be honest, his belly turns me on.
I’ve also found that being sexual is okay too.
I haven’t had sex yet, but the sexual feelings that I have are okay.
And to let Eric know how I feel about him sexually is okay too.
To be sexy for someone else in private, that’s okay too.
I’ve been told so much that being fat/chubby is a bad thing.
That being sexual is a bad thing too.
But now that I’m an adult and I’m having a more adult courtship with someone, I realize that all these things are okay.
I don’t want to bring this up, but with Joe, he always told me he loved my belly because it was a part of me. And while that’s nice, for some reason, I just didn’t feel good enough to ever show him my body.
Now that I’m courting with Eric, it’s different.
I don’t want to say that it’s because of Eric, but he’s been a big factor in this.
When I looked in the mirror, I never really saw someone beautiful. But Eric tells me that I am. That I deserve to have someone tell me that. That I have a kind heart.
I just don’t know what else to say, but, I’m feeling more okay with who I see when I look in the mirror.
Last week, on Thursday, Eric and I were supposed to have a date.
I waited and waited for him, and he never showed up.
I texted and I called him.
Every time I called, it went straight to voicemail.
I’ve emailed him. I’ve texted. Called.
Even tried video chatting.
But I haven’t heard a thing from him.
His phone still goes straight to voicemail.
So I just put a letter in the mailbox to him. I walked through the rain and cold crying. Hoping that it reaches him and that I get a letter back. I kissed it before I put it in the mailbox.
It’s not like Eric to just stop talking to me. I don’t think I did anything wrong.
I can only guess that his phone is broken or shut off.
I don’t want to think that something happened to him.
I’m worried to death. More than I ever was with Joe.
It’s crazy that I tried so hard to resist Eric, but I couldn’t help myself.
He’s so charming, caring, and sweet.
The connection with him was something that happened so fast.
With Joe, it took time, and I wasn’t going to be sad if it hadn’t worked out in the beginning.
But with Eric, it’s completely different.
I care about him, and he cares about me.
He’s comforted me when I’ve had panic attacks. He’s been there to make me smile.
He tells me that I’m beautiful a lot.
He suggested that he meet my mom so she would be okay with us being together.
He’s nothing like Joe.
I seriously hate to admit this so soon, and even though I haven’t gotten to hang out with him in person yet.
But I think I love Eric.
I don’t think someone who does what Eric does would just stop talking to me or ignore me.
I hope that it’s not the case.
I’ve been crying almost everyday because I miss Eric.
I’m not going to just forget about him.
I’ve been having dreams about Eric.
I wonder if we’re supposed to be together because I feel so comfortable with him,and he makes me so happy.
He said that he wants to be with someone who he thinks he’s meant to be with, and I wonder if that’s me. He’s called me his “future girlfriend”.
If you want someone to be your girlfriend, I don’t think you’d stop talking to them or ignore them.
I’m hoping and wishing so hard that Eric is okay.
I’ve even thought about going to his house on Thursday since he gave me his address to see if the buses ran near our houses.
I’m worried and scared enough to travel 2 hours to see him. Just to know that he’s okay.
Right now, I’m listening to “I Would Do Anything For Love” by Meatloaf.
That’s exactly how I feel about Eric.
New #livingdeaddoll to add to my #collection #ldd #horror #cute #kawaii #dracula #vampire #livingdeaddolls
I have Dracula, and I love him!
He’s still in box on top of my stereo speaker.
I just love him to death!!! :3
This music video.
I have anxiety.
I was born with it and I’m going to die with it and it is never going to go away.
I get so incredibly mad when I see people self-diagnosing themselves with anxiety, because it seems like the easiest one to fake or something like that.
"Omg I’m shy, I have social anxiety!"
"I know I have anxiety because I always get really nervous before important things."
NO. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE.
Unless you were actually diagnosed by a real doctor who sat down and talked to you about it, you can’t sit there and say you have it. You are full of shit. You don’t know how REAL ANXIETY feels.
It’s sick to see people turn this thing, that is never going to stop haunting me my whole life, into an accessory/trend that they can just throw on because it think it makes them quirky or cute.
These self-diagnosing people are making a fucking JOKE out of something that I will never be able to get rid of. I’m going to live my whole life like this and it’s never going to stop. And to think that there are people out there who WANT anxiety/depression (or other mental illnesses/disorders) because they want to add something to their personality. That is fucking sick.
This is something I wouldn’t wish on anybody.
Stop wishing for it.
I really want to shake your hand right now.
I seriously can’t stand when people think that having anxiety is cool or it’s something that makes you a special snowflake.
And while, I kind of self diagnosed, I knew what was going on because of all the research I did.
I used to take medication for it, but they got to be more than I could afford even with insurance.
People are like, “I have anxiety because I get really nervous before something that’s super important in my life.”
I can tell you right now, I had a panic attack while on Tango with Eric the other day.
Was I doing something important? No. We were video chatting, and I started crying. I started shaking. My chest was tight.
Did I really know why? No.
People think that anxiety is just being nervous when it’s nothing like that. AT ALL.
I thought that I was just shy because when I would do things alone, I would get very shaky and feel a tightness in my chest. But even out with friends, I feel like that.
My anxiety gets to the point where sometimes I don’t even want to try and attempt things because of my fear of disappointment or rejection.
Constantly hearing in my own head that I’m not good enough, and that I’ll always be a failure is something I would NEVER EVER wish on someone.
It sucks so much to have anxiety, and it sucks a lot more when you have a panic attack.
While I did have a panic attack the day before, during, and even after my test, I know that this isn’t just a one time thing.
I can’t stand when people act like anxiety is like a cool, new accessory that everyone has.
The constant fear is something I don’t wish on anyone. Ever.
at the cemetery
Most importantly: you’re stronger than you think.
WHY DOES THIS NOT HAVE MORE NOTESwow, this isreally helpful
I wear glasses and I love them!
It’s so annoying to have people ask me “why don’t you just get contacts?”, as if I’m somehow oppressed by having to wear glasses to help my vision.
Now, don’t get me wrong, when I was first told at the age of twelve that I needed glasses, I wasn’t happy at all because of the ugly-nerd/dork-with-glasses stereotype, but now, many years later, I love wearing glasses! I actually think my face doesn’t look complete without them. They aid my vision as well as being a classy fashion accessory of sorts. :)
Oh my god….this.
People always ask me, “why don’t you wear contacts?”
For one thing, my insurance is crappy and doesn’t even cover my glasses which are expensive as fuck already.
For another, I’ve worn halloween contacts, and while those are fun, sometimes they’re a pain putting in and taking out.
Plus, I’ve worn glasses so long, that I can’t imagine my face without them. When I don’t wear my glasses I feel blind, and a bit naked.
As much as contacts would be nice, I like wearing my glasses.
The only time they’re inconvenient is when I’m making out with someone.